Want to be-
I very much relate to the behavior you originally posted about.
For me it has little to do with being in a relationship with a problem drinker. For me it was in place at an early age and contributed to my eating concerns.
I did not get a lot of external pressure in my home to be perfect. I did try to the extreme (and still do) to be the "good girl." I internalized all the "swirly" stuff of my childhood, yelling, stuff between my dad/brother etc as "my fault." No addiction in my childhood, but a lot of codependency and addictions in both sets of grandparents I think. I also have always done a lot of observing from the outside before I jump in and do something.
I have since come to realize that this is a pretty normal belief system for kids....it is part magical thinking and part reality. I was desperately trying to stay safe in my family and make sure they cared for me, and I also deeply believed if I was a good girl then I would make them happy. I took those beliefs and those behaviors into my marriage with me. Surprisingly my husband in part due to drinking was emotionaly unavailable in a similar way to my family....so I got to act out those behaviors again.
Heck I think I got into the relationship so I could heal those childhood beliefs.
As an adult that good girl belief still exists, and I am just starting to realize that the belief that "it is all my fault," is deep down and is hindering my joy potential significantly. I don't think it is all my fault anymore, but my childhood beliefs are not always rational and continue to contribute to my life. Therapy, meditation, body work etc has all helped me to let go of some of this (in addition to time).
Great post.