View Single Post
Old 09-16-2015, 12:52 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
theuncertainty
Member
 
theuncertainty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
Do others of you find that you're like this?

Is this a byproduct of living with the craziness of alcoholism?
Yes to the first part, and no to the 2nd, at least in my case. There was no alcoholism in my FOO. I mean, well, my mom's mother was an alcoholic, but died when Mom was still very young. And then her father passed away from cancer and Mom was raised in a children's home. Mom definitely has some strong co-dependent traits, though. IDK... My FOO was pretty "normal", no alcoholism or addictions, no narcissism, no intense pressure to be perfect from my parents. (The desire to be perfect was all me.)

I know I've pretty much always been this way. I really, really feel like I have to get it right before any one sees. The first few months at a new job are an anxiety-riddled nightmare for me, even if I love the new environment and the new responsibilities. I screen calls - both personal and work, because it's easier and less anxiety inducing to know what they're calling about before we talk. I'm lucky that my current boss understands that I'd like to gather my thoughts or do some research before I talk with them and doesn't mind that I call them back a bit later the same morning/afternoon. My last boss didn't.

While I was with AXH, and we'd have to go to events for his friends, it was 100 times worse. Because, not only would I have my little voice whispering what-ifs, but I had AXH being critical and then asking WHY the heck I was so nervous, what was my PROBLEM? Even if he was supportive before the event, I often got ridiculed after the fact. So if he said we were going, we were going and I had to hide my nervousness.

I think now I've gone the opposite way and have a tendency to indulge that desire to avoid stuff. In some respects, it's freeing, being able to. But there are times that I really just have to do it. And I'm trying to avoid less. But I get the chance to make that decision. And this:

Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
I see my older daughter being JUST like me and I want to cry.
Is part of the reason I'm trying to move past my tendency to avoid and practice in private. Because I see it in DS, too. If he doesn't see me learning and making mistakes, and that it's OK to make mistakes, how is he going to know that it's OK? And with him, I think that it is in part my example, because he doesn't have the same type of personality that I have, little social center of the class that he is. Or maybe it's a combination of my example and his early life with me and AXH.
theuncertainty is offline