BeFree you are in a danger zone, feeling alone and lonely, ill and ill used, it would be very tempting to turn to the one permanent friend who is always there and never judges you. I feel, having gotten to know you more personally over time, that you fear hurt so much that you rarely put your feelings on the line. I totally understand that because I have been like that most my life. The problem is that if we don't risk sharing ourselves with others, they can find it hard to share with us.
Also perhaps your sober friends are worrried about being able to maintain their own sobriety around someone who has relapsed recently. I know how you felt when you had a lot of sober months behind you and a friend relapsed, it shook you quite a bit.
I really feel that you need to push yourself out of your comfort zone and find yourself a sponsor. I feel you have a need to feel accountable for your sobriety and at the moment I'm not getting that you care enough about yourself to be accountable to you alone.
I really care for you sweetie, we have been through a lot together, I want what is best for you, I want what makes you happy. Booze doesn't make you happy, it makes you feel guilty and more alone. You have been doing so well, please don't allow your natural inclination to isolate get in the way of your recovery. ((BF))
KeyofC letting go, putting our faith in HP is such a hard thing to do. We feel the need to protect ourselves, defend ourselves and we can do that by controlling. But we also restrict ourselves by doing that. When faced with a situation, think about what the worst thing that could happen would be and what you would do to manage that. Sometimes just knowing that you can deal with whatever happens gives you the freedom to allow control to slip.
Growth in sobriety only needs to happen in small steps. Don't run at the mountain, play in the foothills for a while.