In answer Katchie I've been seeing counsellors on and off for about three years (my most recent one for nearly 5 months I think now..this one has helped me hold the no contact and the line that I love my boyfriend but cannot love his behaviour since he started drinking again three months ago. In the past I would have bombarded my boyfriend with texts and emails both angry, sad and despairing..which of course just made me feel worse and pushed him further away). I've been attending al anon on and off for about three years too and have attended weekly for the past 3 months (twice a week if I can). Thank you so for all your words Katchie and I also send you hugs for your divorce from your long marriage. Thank you Shootingstar. I have been to the doctor many times about my depression and received minimal help...it took many years to find a counselling service (I couldnt afford private full fee counselling and it is not offered on the nhs where I live), I have been on anti depressants a couple of times before..both times for at least six months. Yes they did lift my mood a little but definitely provided me no cure, I am hesitant to go back on meds as I really dont want to be medicated for ever...for me they really dont work but I will consider going back to see the doctor soon. I have attended a support group for people suffering mental illness on and off for years...it tends not to help much but does give distraction. I email the samaritans but the replies I get are very disappointing and often make me feel worse (that is just my experience). I have never called a help line as I find the telephone extremely difficult. I find it very difficult to reach out for help...that is probably why I suffer so. My alcoholic boyfriend was my main support for years (when he wasnt drinking he always cheered me up etc but on the whole I was always uneasy because I was waiting for the next time he would drink and therefore abandon and ignore me). Thank you for all your words..which I will read again. I of course cry when I read what you say to me..yes I think I have sunk to a level where I think myself worthless because I have been treated as if worthless (my boyfriend was never very verbally abusive...he would just ignore me really and he was never violent to me...I was the one who ended up hitting him...which had no effect on him and just destroyed my sense of self worth even more). Thank you for your replies. I want to get through this and to have a better life.