Hi July 13's,
I am popping in to offer some thoughts to my friend, Snooz.
First of all, let me say that I am sorry that you relapsed last night. At many levels I understand the grip that this addiction has over us. You are far from a disgrace...alcohol has a very strong grip on you right now. I honestly believe that it will only become stronger and stronger until you find the willingness to work a recovery program....not simply the will-power to not drink.
It really doesn't matter what that program is...it could be just posting on SR...that works for many. If it's SR, then use us a resource to not drink before you pick up...not just to lick your wounds.
For me now, I needed AA to help me understand the complexity of this monster that I had been battling for decades. AA has not only saved my life, but, given me a reason to live and thrive in sobriety. However, that all came gradually...finding peace and serenity - a mostly joyous, happy free life didn't come in the first few months. Quite frankly, it took time, frequent attendance (assmosis), and a real willingness to remain teachable.
In the early stages I leaned on the WE of that program to get me through not drinking....one day at a time. Back then I probs thought that a sober life was a net negative without my good friend alcohol. That could not be further from the truth today. Again though...that is down the road stuff.
What are you going to do the next time you want to drink? You mentioned to Dee that you now have a program. Step 1, at least for me, is what do I do if I trigger? Who do I call? Where might I go? What can I read? I heard this guy say he would tie another to a tree and sit with him as long as that urge last....BUT, only if he is willing and wants to not drink more than drink. Again, willingness - not will power.
I identify with trying to quit again after a long period of not drinking. I have many of those prior to AA. My first relapse occurred after 11.5 years. It took 10 years of repeated relapse to find a solution that fit...some lasted more than a year.
I kept thinking, Hey, I got this...I did this...when I get really serious again, I will just stop...will-power. Well, that thinking led to repeated relapse. I needed to let go of the fact I had that success...realize that I was sinking deeper and deeper....and accept that I was not where I was in the past. For me it took laying in bed in a fetal position wanting to die prior to my oldest daughter's wedding.
Wendy, we are here for you...FRONT END...pre first drink. Use us, use whatever...just do not pick up today. Then gradually build a recovery program that heals mind, body and spirit...and work it like your life depends on it...because, I probably does.
Oh my, the time...I must dash. ..no time for even a quick edit. I hope this didn't come across too strong...in reality, it is only my suggestions that have worked for me.
Wendy, I hope you find the strength to not drink today! I am sending my best intention vibes your way.
Carlos