So glad you got news that there is no cancer angd.
Letitgo….I’m not feeling much like a rock star.
I hope you’ll indulge me in this too-long post.
I screwed up yesterday. I’m mad at myself for making it 61 days and blowing it. I’ve been analyzing it to figure it out and learn from it. I’ll share what I know but I guess technically I need to move over to the September group. First, the school called and my son had vomited in class. He’s diabetic so I was thinking all sorts of things. It’s the flu so I got him home and he ended up being fine once I got him settled in. So I’m home early. The AV started his work. I’m off today, Friday, and Mon for the holiday….lots of time and not much of it planned. I went on my run too early, had a very good one in which I was excited about how well it went. So I went from stressed over my son to excitedly happy about my run….which ended way too early and left me in my danger zone.
I knew I was in trouble and I picked up the Allen Carr book and went to the brainwashing section. But it was too late. The AV helped me decide I was lonely, which, I am at times like most people. Heck I had just had lunch with a friend 3 hours before that, have my granddaughter coming over Sun, and I have a party booked next week. So that’s kind-of a BS argument that I bought like a fool.
The worst part of the AV’s argument went like this: “The Allen Carr ‘pitcher plant’ analogy proves you are not an alcoholic because you never drink more than one bottle of wine. His analogy says you always drink more. I did not think it through, I guess I did not want to think it through. In truth, one bottle is enough for me to already be digesting in the pitcher plant’s enzymes. My esophagus, stomach, right eye, blood pressure and a TON of other things are screwed up when I drink. I’m a jerk to my kids too. So, yeah, I’m in there digesting away! The other argument my AV made has been a tough one to shake. I drank the night before some blood work. My blood work numbers were really good despite this. In the same exam I conveniently forget that my bp was up as well as my heartrate. And in the past my liver enzymes were slightly elevated. When I had these tested after being sober for a month my pulse and bp were really nicely low. But my little brain clings to one good blood work result, ignoring all the other glaring problems.
Sorry this is getting long but I’m trying to learn from my mistakes and hope to share my thinking with others. In short, I did not follow my plan or even my backup plans. I never really explored my doubts about the pitcher plant or my blood work before. Now I’ve learned I can’t use those to rationalize drinking in the future. I did not get on here because I avoid the internet when I’m drinking. So, I’m very sorry this happened but I’m going to learn from it. I totally own it all, no one or no thing to blame but me.