It's always so startling to hear about someone going back out because they think they can handle drinking in moderation. Alcoholism, AV, what ever you call it, is cunning, baffling and powerful, indeed.
Like Carlos, I stopped trying to figure out why I drank. I've got a slew of reasons up my sleeve, but all that really matters is that I'm an alcoholic.
I love the analogy of the pickle. Once a cucumber becomes a pickle, it can never be a cucumber again no matter how much it wants to. Once we alcoholics have pickled our brains with alcoholism, there's no going back to moderation. As the alcoholics who've gone out and been lucky enough to come back will attest, their alcohol use progresses and deepens to a point worse than their previous low point - every time.
For that reason, I remain vigilant about my recovery. That doesn't mean I'm anxious and on edge or whiling away all my hours pondering recovery. On the contrary! I am happier, more peaceful, more relaxed, more grateful, and generally all around more comfortable in my skin. By vigilant I mean that I practice my recovery every day in some meaningful way. My goal is to prevent relapse, today.
It's not always an easy journey. That's why we support each other. Even my sponsor, with some 15 years of recovery, married to someone with strong recovery, has days that challenge her to the core. She reaches out to her mentors, friends, and yes even her sponsees. Together we alcoholics in recovery all support each other, pickles who cannot risk picking up.
BeFree - You have made a good life for yourself in sobriety. If you're picking up, you need to do more to protect yourself. You have too much to lose. Like others, I would encourage you to dig deeper into AA. For me, it's been the miracle that it promises itself to be; I went to stop killing myself with drinking and ended up with a life worth living. Good luck with the therapist, too. Let us know how it goes.
I'm so grateful to be able to practice sobriety with all of the Undies!