Thank you all so much for all your comments and support. It truly is amazing how many different paths people have taken.
As day 4 comes to a close and I remain sober, I am going to explore this path of acceptance (not giving up!) that relapses might happen and that does not make me a bad person. For these 4 short days it has made a positive difference for me. Going with the flow is a new and scary experience for me in any facet of my life, but underneath the anxiety there is the seed of serenity so long forgotten.
Joanne: I am the opposite of you it seems. I stopped a 3-5 pack a day habit cold turkey nearly a decade ago with not a single lapse, and every day since then I have been trying to figure out the magic of stopping the alcohol and I haven't. But I won't give up.
Good night all and thanks again.
KP