Hang in there. Your thinking will change. You'll see that even when you have a ho him bad day while sober it's not in a million years as bad as the holy crap what have I done while drunk/high. It is better I'll take that any time. Hang in there and make it change. Change the way you talk to yourself. It starts with you. Just a thought for new folks! I come here and tell about my bad stuff too and my messed up emotions and ways of thinking but I'll take it over the booze and using any day. Come here and hash it out. Get a sponsor. Go to meetings. Do whatever it takes. I pray you see it can and will be better.