Welcome Keyof C!
I totally get the multiple personalities thing. When I am in the middle of a craving, it's like nothing makes more sense to me than drinking and when the sober (smart) me talks the AV me out of it, AV is mad and full of resentment. But before you know it sober (smart) me pushes AV out of the way again, and I'm relieved and grateful to be sober.
It also applies to me in the middle of a drinking cycle versus sober me. When I am in a drinking cycle, I almost taunt the idea of being organized, exercising, journaling, SR, or anything "good for me". It's all about getting my responsibilities done and out of the way so I can drink.
I was worried about last night but my stepmother stayed longer than I expected and we took the dogs for a 3.5 mile walk so by the time we got back and she left it was after 8 and I was out of my danger zone! Slept almost 10 hours again.
I feel strong but I have my moments. I recognize that alot of my desire to drink comes from what has developed into kind of a unhealthy thrill where I just say forget it all to trying so hard at everything. I still manage to get things done when I'm in a drinking cycle, but it's just the bare minimum. Sober me expects a lot of myself and with that comes alot of pressure. I need to learn to not have everything so black and white.
Anyway, today is day 7 for me. I am so grateful for the feeling of relief over the end of my relationship rather than the pain I felt every time we broke up over the years. I haven't contacted him in a week and I have no intentions to..ever again. There is simply nothing to say. Sad that I spent over ten years holding on by a thread for the most part, but I'm trying to just learn the lessons from it that maybe I should have learned years ago. Better late than never I guess.
Hope everyone has a great Saturday
