Sorry to hear about your troubles BF. Promise yourself you'll reach out before next time before you take that drink.
Self esteem is an interesting issue. I think it's huge for most of us here. Spending years sneaking around and hiding stuff can turn you into someone who you really don't like very much. It is a huge relief to recover the person who, if you are anything like me, although he is flawed and messed up in some ways, is actually a pretty good guy:
"So there you were!!!! Nice to see you after all this time!!!!"
Like a reunion with yourself. Welcome back to life.
Have a great day all!