Hello everyone,
Feeling very strange today - what I would call a "day two" feeling - Edgy. Excitable. A bit lost. "AV: OK you have cracked it - you win - so now what ? " Does this make sense to anyone ?
I'm can't settle, which is annoying as I have a totally peaceful home work environment during the day today and a couple of projects I am looking forward to doing but
just - can't - start. Grr.
More positively and to continue the musical theme...
One thing that has changed is my piano playing , This is the instrument I learned as a child, but gave up. I rarely played when I was drinking other than to knock out a few tunes every now and again, either on request or just for fun
I have been practicing in the evenings ( rather than drinking ) and this has made a difference.
Modesty aside, I am playing quite beautifully now and and finding so much more space while playing to add expression to a piece. I actually quite enjoy listening to 'me' play.
This is important, I feel because I would have told anyone during the last 20 years that I has reached the limit of my abilities with the piano. The last couple of months ( sober) have proved this not to be the case.
Key of C - I am also finding I can draw better now than
before too. I have young kiddies and they have now realised that they can ask daddy to draw stuff for them, so perhaps I am getting more practice. But I think also that the booze stifled my ability to see things as they were and translate that into a drawing.
It is the same with music. Improvisation is getting alittle easier and I find I can harmonise easier when singing - bizarre
I also play guitar and bass guitar. The bass is new for me and all about technique. Amusingly I have realised that I can actually play bass quite well now - which wasn't the case when I was in a band for two years (!) - It was in time and all the notes were correct, but I now realise why my fingers and hands hurt so much afterwards
The point of all this rambling is I think to react to my 'inner critic' which has spent the morning telling me what a loser I am. This I feel has led to the detachment I'm feeling right now ( although better for posting this ).
Addiction seems to be deeply linked to self esteem from what I have read here and elsewhere.
Removing the booze seems to have lifted a veil when it comes to creativity.
I just need to accept that I actually
can do more than I told myself I was capable of - and get on with it.
Day 67 feels like day two - maybe because 67 is two thirds of 100?
I have been telling myself that once I get to 100 I can breathe out, loosen my grip a little and start to enjoy the sober life I have - safer in the knowledge that no-one can take it away from me .
It is now 11.30, and I should have started working at 9. Instead I have wandered around the house doing random things, having conversations with myself, playing musical instruments and latterly writing this.
1. This is the way I am. And this is where my creativity comes from
2. I never let anyone down, so teh work will get done
3. I work for myself and this was a choice. One of the benefits of this choice is to do things like this
4. I feel better now than I did 2 hours ago. So what is the problem ?
Deep breath out
Thanks for listening and have a good day everyone,
Fradley