SFS,
I caught up on your threads and wanted to drop by. First of all, my thoughts and heart go out to you on this situation. As you noted, you and I are in a similar situation, in a relationship with a woman with troubles with alcohol. Yours being a recent marriage, something that was done to feel like a future was building, only to be now in the situation you are in, has to be frustrating and saddening so I think it's perfectly normal for you to feel - sad, angry, betrayed, and a lot more. But if there's one thing I have learned it's that those feelings, while necessary, are blockades in your recovery, so do your best to put them aside when you have the opportunity. They WILL creep in, but you will find you are feeling better the more that they aren't around.
Mine, btw, is an AGF tho may as well be an AW, it is almost a 10 year relationship (which already included one pre-wedding alcohol-fueled breakup). Yes, I've been through it.
I can agree with what others say about the sleuthing. They tell you to stop because they did it too. We all did. Looked at bottles to see how much was consumed, counted empty beer cans, wine bottles...called them out on the amount they drank, wanted answers...never got them. Never changed anything (in most cases what I heard back was "your tracking it makes me want to drink even more!"). Of course then I tried days of ignoring it and the levels were the same or even higher, so we've proven the "your doing xyz me makes me want to drink" is a false statement.
It sounds like you are just riding the wave now as I have done for many years. You still have love for her and want her to come around. I hope for your sake that you get what you need from your AW but the best advice will be to disengage from as much of the drinking activity as you can. If she stops (you will know, even without having to sleuth) and you want to try and talk to her or spend more time with her I think there is nothing wrong with that.
None of these things will help your AW stop drinking, but they will help you, and I have exercised them as well.
- Stop counting/confronting her about the drinking (especially when it is happening)
- No sex/contact/affection when drinking or just after (while she is riding her drunk buzz)
- Don't drink at all or drink around/with her
- Don't give her money she can use for booze or bring booze home that she can consume
I know some of this is hard, I like to drink in moderation but actually seeing the way it touches her, I was able to drastically slow my own drinking (I used to have 2-3 through the week, I don't even drink at the house any more because it is just a trigger for her to start or drink more). See if you can do that too.
Not sure if I can be of much more help since I am here under a similar situation. I will follow along and chime in when I can.
Good luck and keep coming here.