Hi there! Welcome!
My guy is non-violent as well. And we never got to the crazy fighting before I broke up with him. I did NOT want to end up resenting him for all the stupid fights that were bound to happen because of his drinking antics.
I'm more of the take it and swallow and avoid conflict type of codependent anyhow....
Anyway... I've heard about the walking on egg shells even during sobriety. It's like, the partner doesn't want to shake things up, and the addict is trying to stay away from hurtful topics that may trigger him/herself.
What is going on here are poor emotional-coping skills. These poor skills probably had something to do with the choice to drink so much in the first place. They are not the reason for drinking, but the drinking may have been a way to cope with it.
My guy was "the life of the party" type and was sooo outgoing and people just loved him. We met people everywhere we went. I absolutely loved this because I am a social butterfly myself. But the alcohol was what "helped" him get out of his shell because in reality, he is much more reserved and can be shy. And he doesn't like that about himself.
This is similar to not having emotionally healthy coping skills because he has never had to deal with it before. Or at least, fix whatever issue it is that came up probably years ago; alcohol tends to suspend personal growth.
He CAN grow... if he wants to do the work. And in the mean time, your only job is just to get out of his way, accept the good stuff AND the bad, and choose which ones you will give your energy to. That's it.
Just last night in a conversation with my xabf he said something that shocked me a little and showed me a little immaturity for where he is at in his journey. But, it is where he is, and it's just fine. Honestly, there are other areas where he just blows me away with some wisdom too! I find that a lot of our work as codependents is to just really accept who we are... ourselves, and others.