So sorry for what you're going through. I remember how terribly difficult it was when my father was in the end stage of his alcoholism. During the last year he was very sick. He claimed he had pancreatic cancer, but I think there were also liver issues and he was too proud to admit it. In either case, his drinking was the cause. And I struggled with feeling very guilty for not spending more time with him. I could feel my chance to have some kind of happy interaction with him slipping away, and it was so hard to accept that he was never going to be the sober, stable father I needed. Instead, he continued to drink as long as he was able and when I visited him he would sometimes start in on the sherry, and it was awful to watch. Anyway, I hope you will be kind to yourself whether you choose to spend time with your mother or not. It sounds like maybe she isn't really capable of spending quality time with you, and you can only do as much as you can manage without jeopardizing your own well being. ((Hugs))