Stratman,
I see your posting a ton and are going through a rough patch. The ball is in your court. Have you thought about reaching out or checking into a county facility? You should have access to a trained mental health profressional. Sounds like you have been dealing with this for several years. Just like drinking it can change today. You can make a change and get some help. You need to be proactive. If you are having severe pstd or anxiety please go to the ER. Please stop torturing yourself and take the first step. Don't take no for answer until you get the help you need to stop disassociting. I don't know you other then you posts on SR. I got help for anxiety and it has helped alot. Just want to see you get into a better frame of mind safely without drking, drugs, or self mutilation.