Angel, I understand that. You are not alone, no matter how much you feel that you are. And I don't say that to dismiss the extreme pain you feel about everything you have gone through. For me, the only thing that makes the trauma in my life worthwhile is that it has given me the ability to empathise with and help others. This is well within your capabilities too - in fact you are doing it right now by courageously sharing your experiences. This is a profound gift to the world that has come from your own personal, enormous suffering. You are a beautiful person, like all of us :-)