I hope you take this post in the sprit it's intended BBF
I really had to stop and look at how much effort I put into my drinking - including keeping it secret suffering the embarrassment, the lies, the ill health, the beating myself up...
and then look at how much work I put into my recovery.
Once I started to focus on the latter more and more, I really started to get somewhere, y'know?
There's no reason at all why you can't do this BBF.
Think about what's holding you back from a permanent commitment to recovery maybe?
D