Arbor, you've mentioned that you put it out there that not drinking was a way to show support for your spouse while she was expecting. It seems that you've struggled more since you can't use that reasoning for cover anymore.....to continue to not drink will draw a line in the sand that will be noticed by those close to you. Drawing that line was very difficult for me for many reasons, one of which was my self image as a man, male pride or whatever.
My wife is not alcoholic and doesn't understand it all, nor could she. I had to make myself vulnerable (something for which I have an unreasonable disdain) and let her know that
I cannot control my drinking. For so long I took advantage of the fact that I knew she didn't get it, and continued to let her think that I could cut back if I really wanted to. I believed it myself for a long time.
For me, that conversation, that line I told her I had to draw, was a turning point even though I felt humiliated at the time. She didn't know how to help me until I drew that line for her. I asked that there to be no alcohol in the house for a long while. That helped me so much. I always wanted to keep my drinking problem about me and not expect my spouse to have to put up with any changes.....not their problem right? Wrong.
For so long I painted the 'I can do this without unfairly subjecting her to my problem' approach as somehow more noble and strong. In reality I was just using that reasoning as a way to keep my wall up and guaranteeing that she'd have to deal with the results of my alcoholism down the line.
It may be that you and your wife have already talked through this in frank honesty. These were just some thoughts that came to me as I look back at my personal experience.
And since I know y'all are all wondering.....I got the toilet fixed!!! But I did curse once.
V, after all that walking on vacation, I can now empathize with you more about your feet. My blisters are still healing!