Hi Suki, thanks for the reply. I know I have a problem and I guess what I am is irrelevant. I don't drink until I passout, most of the time it's much more controlled than that. I'm a secret drinker and I hide my problem very well. I not sure what the root of my drinking is but it could be depression and stress. Without realising I have probably been self medicating for years.
Feeling like crap today. I drank last night and feel really remorseful. I kinda wish I felt like this all the time and then I would not want to drink. Thing is I know this feeling will pass and in a few days time I will want to drink again. Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting good and evil. The pull of alcohol is so strong, even though I know it's no good for me my inner voice or alcoholic voice has more power than my logical brain. I recently read a book called the chimp paradox and it pretty much sums up the struggle that goes on inside my head. The chimp or the AV is the part of your brain that is controlled by urges, impulses and feelings. This part of the brain is much much stronger than the logical part of the brain that knows what you are doing is wrong. How can I control my urges? Why do I have an addictive streak in me? How can I channel my addictive personality into something positive like the gym or a new hobbie?
Being me sucks today. Thanks for reading sorry for the rant.