whatsgoingon

What am I?

It's a difficult question for me to answer as I'm not medically trained. That said after coming on this site for a few years now and reading the posts from my sr friends I've come to the conclusion that I'm a binge drinker. I don't think that I have a physical dependency on alcohol. I don't drink every day. I might go a week without drinking and in the past I've given up drinking all together for a few months. Thing is when I do drink i binge. I drink until I'm drunk. These days I don't even enjoy the drinking that much. I might enjoy the first one but after that it does not really matter whether I'm drinking fine wine or cheap rubbish, once I get a taste for it I just carry on until I'm numb.

The definition of what I am is important to me as I need to know how to deal with it. Whether I'm an alcoholic or a binge drinker does not hide the fact that whichever way I describe myself I most definitely have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

My condition is more psychological than physical. As I said I can take it or leave it but it still controls me to an extent. In my mind I feel I can control it to a degree and I can recognise when I need to stop. I know I'm on a dangerous path and I seem to suffer from bouts of binge drinking which might last every night for a week followed by long periods of being sober and feeling guilty. I seem to be in vicious circle and I hate that booze affects my life in this way.

I read the stories on here and my heart goes out to all of you whatever your struggle maybe. I sometimes feel my issue or problem cannot compare with some on here because they struggle on a daily basis whereas mine problem is more random. Problem is I cannot get out of this never ending cycle of boozing, stopping, boozing, stopping etc.

I really hate booze. It has such an influence on my life and I wish I could just say to hell with it but I find it really hard. Booze makes me feel depressed, it kills my motivation, stops all momentum and leaves me feeling guilty and low. So why the hell do I keep doing it?

Any words of wisdom greatly appreciated.

Regards


Whatsgoingon (aka sneeker)