I'm very glad this thread has come up. I split with my alcoholic ex-fiance in December 2011, knew there was no point in trying to date for at least a year - which then stretched into two - then started dating someone who was clearly not over his ex. There was a time when I'd have tried to compete (ha!) but instead I calmly told him that I didn't think he was ready for another relationship, and left.
Back in April I met a very nice man with whom I felt a deep connection, initially just as a friend, but it became apparent that there was rather more to it. He told me he was in the process of ending a short-term relationship and would be in touch with me once he had a bit of distance from it. I made it very clear that I wasn't interested in keeping contact with him until he had - and didn't expect to hear from him again.
However, he did contact me a while later. Right now, we're taking things very slowly.
I realised that I have a history of choosing guys who are emotionally distant and spending half the relationship eating my heart out, then following this with someone who's really, really keen - who then turns out to be a controlling abuser.
Being with someone who's attentive and loving, but not in a cloying way, yet happy taking and giving space is a first for me. So is being with someone who's happy to discuss spiritual matters, has been through the fire and out the other side, has confronted his own demons and continues to do so. There's part of me that welcomes this with open arms, and the feeling of butterflies is there all right.
Other than that, I really don't know where I am. I've become aware that my platonic friendships have become much healthier in the last 3.5 years, and that I've not felt duty bound to maintain boundary-busting relationships purely because I've known the person a long time, for example.
I'm OK about waiting and seeing. I know that the starry eyes and butterflies are an illusion, and I've yet to see the real him. I think it's been made easier by being as straightforward and honest in my dealings with him as possible.
I don't know where I am. But one of the huge gifts of Alanon is learning to hold still with uncertainty, trust in a Higher Power and not create crazy situations by trying to force solutions.
Amen to that!