Let's talk about love
I wanted to open up a discussion about love, when it comes to love in a romantic relationship, not within families or with our kids, etc. Recently I had a conversation with a few program girlfriends and we were talking about how deeply we loved our alcoholics/addicts. Most of us are single now or are dating seriously(one of us has been with a man for over 2 years dating seriously). We all have decent recovery under our belts, 3 plus years on average.
Anyway, we were discussing the fact that we aren't sure we will ever love like that again and then I brought up the subject of how our view of love is skewed because of the dysfunction that created that relationship to begin with and another friend chimed in and said, "So, were we ever really in love with these men? Or was it just a sick need in us to fill that hole created by growing up in alcoholic families?"
Many of us were bemoaning the fact they can't seem to show up in new relationships emotionally and that many of their dating relationships don't feel complete or that something is missing. I said, "Well, I know what's missing in my dating relationship, DRAMA, there's no drama. There's no ups and downs, there's no inconsistencies in behavior, there's no emotional sessions where I listen to his problems and comfort him and boost his ego with my kindness while I pour my entire being into fixing him, etc because my new guy doesn't want to be fixed by me." Anyway, I have to admit that it can be sometimes boring with the drama and I start creating it in my own head and that's part of our disease. I recognize it now and so do many of my friends, but we're all relatively befuddled by love and what that may look like outside of addiction and alcoholism because for most of us, it's all we've ever known.
So, in my own relationship, I've been with this man for almost 4 months now and I find that I waffle. Just recently my new man came back from a short vacation to San Fran(we had just been there 2 months ago for a trip together) and he brought me home a few presents; one of which was a cute painted picture frame from San Fran and picture of us in it. It was really a sweet gift. I've met his kids and he has invited me to join them this weekend for some of their family time, whereas in the past I wouldn't see him for the 5 days when he had his girls. He's talked about Christmas and what he is putting on his Christmas list for me to get for him and then followed it up with, "Unless you break up with me before then, haha..." He has a smile and eyes that melt my heart every time I'm around him and yet I fight things internally and I hyperanalyze 'us' and I wonder where he's at and where I'm at and what I'm ready for, blah blah blah. I've found a good man and am in an relationship where I receive more than I give. He has his quirks, we both have our baggage, but for now things are good and we've worked through our differences in a much more healthy way than I did with my X, that's for sure.
Some days I want more and some days I want my freedom but I can't figure out if it's because I'm just fresh out of a 20 year marriage to an alcoholic or if it's because my own dysfunction is scared of intimacy on a level that is healthier than what I had before. That fear of the unknown kicks in along with fear of rejection. Looking back, I can truly say that I only had 1 guy dump me in all my past relationships and the reason was because I always ran away or, ahem, dumped them first. That was, until I met my XAH and I found my project!
Thoughts? About love, about love after being with an alcoholic, about what loving an alcoholic vs a 'normal' partner look like.