I am very sorry, Dean. I also just experienced something similar, but about my father. It really sucks and I understand the thoughts of acting out using our old dysfunctional coping mechanisms... I have been getting thoughts like that off and on myself in the past week or so. What I've decided to do about it is to amp up my recovery regime and other forms of help/treatment that work well for me -- better to do these in excess than starting to drink again or do other obsessive/harmful things I used to do. If I may recommend something to you to help go through this period, that's what I would suggest. Also, try not to fight/avoid the pain and feeling the darkness as that might lead to acting on it when and in ways that would just hurt you more.