This is probably going to be a rambling mess, but I'm in a really weird place today, or maybe just lately in general, so maybe I should just apologize for this honesty dump in advance. I just feel the need to put it out there...somewhere...
I'm on Lexapro, 10mg, lowest therapeutic dose. I've been on it now for a couple years, maybe? I feel like my life is just a blur anymore; it rolls on year to year, never changing, always just the same blah state. It's like I'm just existing, not really living. I was originally placed on the Lexapro to deal with mostly anxiety, and maybe a bit of depression. My PCP manages it. I should probably find an actual psychiatrist and possibly a therapist too, b/c while it more or less keeps me in check and functioning without any serious meltdowns (anxiety), I'm just blah. My house is a mess, I'm unmotivated to do anything. I've become very why bother, just coasting along passing the time. I'm just numb... and bored. I get this is more than likely depression, and I've been pretty apathetic (yet less anxious!!) since starting Lexapro. I'm beginning to think maybe it's not such a good match for me as far as ADs go. Can an AD make you more depressed? Is it even depression or just an overall lack of emotion? But I'm not even crying/horribly depressed... just soooo blaaaah. I would honestly spend all my time on the couch doing nothing if left to my own devices. I just don't enjoy things anymore. In a way, I'd rather be my old anxious mess and still feel things.
I say all this b/c I think for me drinking (binge drinking) has always been a way that I deal with my anxiety. An escape from reality and the stress and worries. For a few hours, I just leave it all behind. And even though I'm less anxious now, I still want to drink now and then to escape the monotony of it all. And it's not like I don't do things, I do... I exercise... I have hobbies and friends. It's just all so tedious.
I don't say all this to look for medical advice; I know you all can't give that. I really need to see someone and probably get my meds changed up. I guess I'm just more curious if anyone can relate to this? I just feel like I don't recognize myself anymore. I used to be so together, so type A (maybe b/c of my anxiety)... and now I'm anything but.