Thank you Leigh. It's so true, I was a horrible shell of a person when I was drinking. Somewhere inside I know I care about sobriety, I know it matters.
I feel for you guys with multiple kids.
I know I will miss it one day.
I'm not feeling very good today. I actually cried this morning simply because I was so bummed out to be awake. It's embarrassing to be around people because I say terribly negative things without even realizing I'm doing it. I complain about things that aren't bad, I rip on my husband when he doesn't deserve it, I exaggerate things to make them seem worse than they are. I mean, I tell what happened like it was awful, then I think back and realize it didn't really happen like that. I do it unconsciously because my perspective is so skewed. When I've been really sick before, I've had delusions where I totally believed someone was mistreating me when they weren't. This is a mild version of that. I catch myself and know it's all in my head, but it makes me want to isolate because I don't want to cause any trouble by saying something wrong or accidentally talking crap about someone who doesn't deserve it. My therapist tells me to just go hang out with people and talk about normal stuff, but sometimes I can't do that. I'm a total jerk. I just want to hide.
I'm supposed to start that dialectical behavioral therapy class tomorrow, but I don't think I'm going to do it. I'm just feeling too tired and crazy to learn stuff right now. My therapist will be pissed, but oh well.
That's my rant for today.