rationalization is giving a socially acceptable reason for socially unacceptable behavior, and socially unacceptable behavior is a form of insanity.
You may want to do some searching here and read the experiences of others who have tried what you are trying.
Myself- I did that a looooong time before I got sober. Then I lost the power of choice. The mental mayhem- all the crap that was going on in my head and my heart- kept getting worse and worse.
Alcohol really was, for me,only a symptom of a much deeper problem and until I dealt with those deeper problems I had absolutley no chance at getting sober and recovering from the seemingly hopeless state of body and mind.
I had to deal with those deeper problems without a bottle in my hand.
Art, I hope and and pray you can get it from your head to your heart that there's a lot of insanity going on with ya.
And that there is a solution IF you want it AND are willing to put in footwork.