struggling
I am currently struggling really bad.....I'm on day 103 and out of no where the last few days my mind is racing playing scenarios of drinking over and over again. I'm dreaming about it constantly and I've got a knot in my stomach that feels the size of a bowling ball. It's like the obsession was starting to abate a little and having realized this it's come back with a vengeance.
How can cravings come from no where and beat you down this way. I've been clenching my teeth so hard recently I feel like they're going to shatter.
I keep telling myself I'm strong and resolute in my decision and will never go back but the words ring hollow in my ears even as I say them. I talked to my AA group and it helps for the hour I'm there but then in the car on the way home it all starts again.
I think I'm doing what everyone calls white knuckling but don't know what to do to change it. I told my wife how I'm feeling and she simply said if she's can see or can smell that I've been drinking then she's off for good. I was hoping for a bit of compassion or help but maybe that door is more closed than I first thought.
It doesn't feel like it's ever going to get easier......everything to loose and nothing to gain yet it feels like the easy option......go figure.