Originally Posted by Weasel1966

BAM! I hit the ground with an amazing "THUD!" An ugly, inhuman sound that stays with you. Never to be forgotten. Never to be erased.

As hard as the sudden jolt to zero feels it's all to often the most needy of us that never have a stick stuck in our spokes. Never get a break from the endless cycles until it's too late.

I did the obvious to get help. 3.5 rehabs now. The professionals help me understand my cycles of addiction. It's only the recovered clinicians who seem to really help. The others are in earnest.

Think small Ken. One day at a time Ken. You got this Ken.

The addict works on two levels. The exterior... And the under current. Rehabs chip away at this exterior. You need to effect the underlying systems and stop simply redecorating. We live to redecorate.

For me that means hearing a second voice just beyond the call of my AV. It's the tape that runs in my head over and over. Said slightly different as the years progress but the same clear oppressive message.

"You worthless piece of sh!t."

So with my latest studies I am putting together ways that I can somehow make a tick mark for each time I can hear that second voice. That undercurrent. At home I have a pad and pen in a central spot. Every time I trash talk myself I make a mark. I think while out and about I will use my phone and text myself every time.

I plan to do this for a few days at best. It's not a sustainable exercise and I think I will get the point a bit clearer if I can have a visual to my madness.

This old programming is the single most destructive thing in my life. No one is hurting me. No one is taking anything from me. No one is after me. Only me. And how silly is that!

K