Depressed and guilty
So, even though things are going great in MY life right now, I am feeling very guilty about my 16 year old son. He is now spending a lot of time with his dad because of my work schedule and because I can't get him to tennis, the dentist, the math tutor, etc. My X has actually picked up the slack but I find that I don't spend any time with my son. I take him to the gym after work sometimes and I try to check in with him all the time.
And, since we homeschooled him for 16 years (maybe that was a mistake?) my X and I are fighting over the plans for the next 2 years. The original plan was for our son to do online schooling through K-12, but my X now says that since ds spends so much time with him, that he should go to a regular school. I am not adverse to it, but my son has never seen the inside of a school before....EVER! He knows nothing about how to get around, how to organize his day or his books or a locker or about the social structure of a school. My heart breaks for him because I don't want him in the middle of this fight but I can tell that my XAH is convincing him to go to school. I feel like I'm losing my child and it's breaking my heart.
I know that we can get an IEP for him( he has multiple learning disabilities along with Tourette's Syndrome) but that won't help him manage his day very well. He might get a few accommodations in certain classes. This will be his junior year but his math tutor was telling me that he would only be able to handle pre-algebra. He's been doing 4 hours of one on one math tutoring every week for the past 15 months and he's STILL not ready for Algebra!
I am tempted to quit my job but that seems like a step backwards. I need the health insurance and I need the job experience. My money won't last forever and I don't want to be living in a van down by the river in 3 years. I am so sad. I feel like I've abandoned my kid when really I just wanted to get us out of the dysfunction. My poor kid just doesn't seem to know which way to turn and I pray that my XAH isn't poisoning my kid against me after all these years. XAH has written me some VERY nasty emails basically accusing me of abandoning our son, dropping the ball on his education, not being involved, being selfish, and that my 'walking out' was the demise for all 3 of us. He is guilting me at every turn, playing on my emotions, and throwing me under the bus at every turn.
I can handle most of it, but sometimes I believe he's right. Sigh....I hate the position I've put my son in. Also, my son was recently saying he wanted a more social life and that's why he, himself, wanted a change from homeschooling. UGH!
I hate to doubt my decisions. Yet, I still love my freedom, I love not living with alcoholism and addiction anymore, but now my son has to do it.....and it's hurting me....truly.