Good morning, Haennie.
I hope the thoughts of psychodelics/hallucinogens passes soon.
There's no doubt in my mind that this renewed interest is somehow connected to all the stress you've endured in the last month. And continue to endure, as the pains of aging parents don't give us much respite.
An admission: I'm from a very small town and some of the kids I grew up with remain there, including those who are still hitting various DOC fairly hard. When Dad died, I had to ride a brief wave of knowing that it would take no time for me to find people who could give me (well, sell me) some pot. I was a occasional pot smoker in college and probably have smoked less than 10 times since -- all many years ago.
But there was that momentary appeal when I thought "hey, I won't be cheating on my recovery because I was an alcoholic, not a druggie, so what could it hurt if I got high just to get out of my head?" The thoughts didn't last long, mostly because I wanted to remain solid in sobriety, hard as it was in the immediate days. I just had to ride it out -- there were never hugely intense cravings for alcohol and so why screw it up by injecting something else into the picture? I also didn't want to deal with the people who would deal to me. They're not bad but their lives are kind of sucky and I'm sure news would get out of any purchase within about an hour in my hometown.
One of the joys of sobriety is that it keeps us in the present. That can be one of the challenges, too, because we are forced to remain there as much as we might yearn for even a brief escape from being in command of our minds, our will and our reality.
One question: What if you reframed the appeal of psychodelics/hallucinogens? What if it wasn't escaping or experiencing or tripping or whatever word comes to mind. What if it was simply being wasted?
As Robby notes, there is an artificiality to the experience. It is inorganic. On that level, it doesn't differ from alcohol or any other DOC. It is just getting wasted.
Choosing not to be wasted requires us to experience a realm entirely of our own making. That's the more fruitful path in the long run, even when the short run must be endured because it cannot be enjoyed.
I care about you, Haennie, and I hope that you can summon your considerable talents to get through this. There's nothing good in it for people like us to be wasted.