Originally Posted by
fini 
hi there,
my staunch refusal to make any lasting change
why is that? is your life, without lasting change, such a great one now?
if it were, would you be here, posting all you did?
good to see you here, putting your stuff out in writing and hopefully coming back.
welcome to you.
No it's not. I mean other than a few choice accomplishments that I'd say improved me as a person, the rest can all go to hell. But the reassuring factor in before, was that I had some sort of commitment, and a drive to live out my life with alcohol as the enemy of my personal survival.
I no longer have that ambition. It's like it's been sucked out of me. But that's a personality trait that I haven't been exactly nurturing in a long, long time. That's all I want back. To know at my very core that this is murdering me. That's what I miss dearly. I felt untouchable with that knowledge burrowed in my brain for safe keeping.
I am here. I am... tepidly here. I want to make this change. I am reaching out because although I still love to get messed up, I do know on some level that the subsequent years of abuse will take a toll on my mind that will lead to some truly horrific and wasted paths. To be a babbling moron on East Hastings, and have my mother watch me like that. I'm torn I guess. I know that I know that I need to change, but it's shallow and worrying.
Thank you so much .