Originally Posted by
IneedJesus 
I'm so sorry you are having these feelings presently. I am exactly at the same crossroads. I am married with an almost 2yr old daughter. My wife has a pen in her hand and her signature is all that's needed. I'm scared! They are the only thing I want on life except for my DOC of course. The thing is I don't want it all the time. I can not want and say no for 23hrs 59minutes 59 seconds but not even a second required to totally ruin my world. Few years back got a couple years clean. Last couple been on,off,on,off. I have ZERO evidence showing I can stay clean. I want to not use. Then I think it is going to happen eventually should I just use and she will find out?Tell her to sign being history is a good indicator for the future? It's not looking good.
Seren, I will say all the post about treatment could not be more true. That is how I got my couple of years clean! Back to some things in my original post. I mentioned some high probability situations for my current situation to permanently end. I think I have wronged her time and time again that it left permanent scars. I did that, her lover, how can I, how can overcome this? I have created bitterness inside her. The woman I love, but have done a poor job expressing. She is getting on to me about things that have always and only bothers me. I don't want to hurt her anymore in any capacity. That's my thinking behind getting on with the situation by sabotaging. I also don't want to lose her.