Seems like fear is causing you to drink. So, by extension fear is killing you. I recently watched a documentary about singer Nina Simone (jazz great) and someone asked her what freedom was. She said " freedom is not being in fear". Powerful. I wonder how you can address your fears Zen. They tend to take on a a life of their own if they are not examined. I think of my fears as ugly little critters that live in the basement of my mind. In the dark they fester. If you can bring them into the light of day...face them... they dissipate.