Originally Posted by Pouncer

It is nice to be checking in with the Marchers. I need to get caught up on everyone's posts. I have been very busy with work (writing projects), continual, agonizing PTSD episodes and dealing with my husband who has spinal injury and is in a wheelchair, needs care, on many meds, et cetera, until he has a procedure that is supposed to help.

I am still sober. Thinking about drinking is not so frequent anymore. A month ago, I was still agonizing here and there over temptation, but right now, I think I can appreciate that I need to be sober to deal with my therapy and anxiety. Sobriety has been, for me, a catalyst for PTSD episodes. Sometimes flashbacks and obtrusive memories are so relentless and painful. When I am feeling in a self-destructive mood (or thinking about suicide) I wonder if it would just be easier to go back to being a drunk. But- it is not an acceptable option for me. I will never make my beautiful and kind children go through the type of trauma I did when I was their age. Drinking is not a solution that I want anymore.

I am seeing a PTSD therapist soon and I have been dreading that almost as much as Father's Day. I got through the day and I don't have to think about it for another year. My sister called on my parents' other phone line when I called to talk to my father. She was on speaker while I talked to my mom. Just like me, she waited until the last minute of the day (right before bed) and sounded just as distant as I was. It scares me how easily I can cut off painful emotions and detach myself when speaking with the person who did many, many bad things to my sisters and me. It is hard and although I know I don't owe my Borderline/Narcissistic father anything, I would rather not make trouble and keep a comfortable distance throughout the year.

In many ways I am grateful to be working through the trauma. Obviously, it contributed to my excessive alcohol use. I would have never been able to endure memories or roller-coaster like flashbacks before I got sober. In fact, I would have never let those memories surface.

Sorry for writing a not-so-cheerful update. I know I sound morose, but at least I I am facing my emotions head-on and I am being honest with myself for the first time in my life. I may not be happy, but I am starting to be hopeful.