Thank you all for the replies. I don't know how to do the quote thing but the idea of talking back to my AV really rung a bell. I need to make a doctors appt. the last time I was this far in I spent 6 days in detox after several paracentesis procedures. I don't think I want to try this on my own.
You know, the one thing I can't justify is the anxiety. It's debilitating, it's trying to drive me back to drink. That should be enough shouldnt it? Knowing I have to drink to even be ok? This is such a twisted process.
Thanks for listening. Thanks for responding.