Hi all -
I have some great news, and some bad news.
First the good news. My partner arrived, which makes me so happy. Even more so, the first night he proposed & I said yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently he has been wanting to do it for some time, and he really wanted to start building our lives together at the start of our trip. I couldn't be happier.
The not so good news. I drank unknowingly.
We had a celebratory dinner with my dad and his wife (who don't know that I am an alcoholic, but who still judge and treat my sister unfairly because she is an alcoholic despite 15 years of sobriety) and we had fondue. I did not know that fondue has alcohol, but I could taste it the moment I had the first bite.
Normally I would have spit it out and ordered something else. Unfortunately, there was no other food on the table besides the alcoholic dish (it was a special pre-ordered meal), and I could not come up with an excuse in the moment to not eat it that wouldn't dampen the event (IE have a headache and leave) nor out myself as an alcoholic, as my dad would know right away from being around my sister. I felt stuck. So I sucked it up and decided to slowly eat 5 pieces of fondue. I hated myself and it the whole time. But I still watched myself do it, and it disturbs me that I would make that choice.
I talked with my partner after dinner. It was helpful to talk it out, as I was able to bring my belief that I will die if I drink again front and center. This refocus is good, as traveling is affecting my sobriety routine and thus the degree to which I put energy into recovery. I also do not want my Dad or his wife to know that I am an alcoholic having seen the price that my sister has paid (they do not talk nor have a relationship)
At the same time, I am very upset that I knowingly ingested alcohol. Whether or not I 'wanted' it doesn't matter. Thankfully this episode did not induce any cravings.
I'm not sure if I'll reset my sobriety date. On one hand I like being black and white with ingesting alcohol - I feel safer with that clarity and being able to measure myself against that standard. On the other hand, I have worked damn hard at sobriety and resetting it would feel discouraging to me given the circumstances. So I decided to not decide for now and instead to wait a month to see how I am doing with sobriety then. My dad and his wife have left, so thankfully it is just my partner and myself now so the situations with alcohol will be much easier to navigate.
I hope you all are doing well in your sobriety. Thank you for being a safe place for me to share my ups and down and not feel like I'll be judged. Would love to hear from you if you're around
