Melissa0067

So I was on this site a few years ago when an alcoholic/addict almost ruined my life. You would think that would've steered me away from anyone having anything to do with those problems forever. I would have thought so too, turns out that was not the case.

Almost two years ago I met a man who I thought was my forever. We met, clicked and had the most amazing chemistry, talked for hours on end and were so honest with each other. He made me feel safe. A contentment I never felt with anyone. My friends and family loved him. My mom even gave him my grandmothers ring to give to me when he decided to propose.

Quick background. He told me that he has a history with pills and H. He had a back surgery approximately 10 years ago and got addicted to the pills which led to H, which led to selling, which landed him in jail. He seemed open and honest about all of it and seemed to babe pretty far past that kind of life. I decided to give it a chance. We got engaged, and moved in together.

1 month after moving in he and an accident. He had gotten a hemorrhoid removed and then passed out outside the doctors office building,/his head open on an electrical box and almost died because it almost severed his spine. They gave him 5 mg Percocet for the pain. I was holding them and giving them to him but then caught him chewing one. I got upset and he said it was just an old habit and flush the rest down the toilet. Then about 2 1/2 months later he disappeared for a night. I found him through the friends that he was with laying on the floor in the house all sweaty and coked up. That was only one night and we managed to get through it.

He was going to a program called mass rehab to help him find a new career path because of his disability with his back, he had been a roofer but was no longer supposed to do that. I have expectations from a grown man, to make a life and be responsible. He says I'm too hard on him and that I'm a nag. I feel like he never follows through on the things he is supposed to do. This will later be the reasons for his relapses.

Then last October he had a girl show up in his life who turned out to be his 33-year-old daughter that he did not know about. That along with the stress of everyday life caused a lot of stress and sent him into a relapse which lasted about 10 days. He then got some Suboxone to get out of it.

He seemed okay for the next seven months. He was finding jobs on his own and was making some pretty decent money, finally saving and having a cushion. Then on May 2 of this year I knew something was off. I asked him if he was using again and he got angry. He ended up leaving for two weeks and finally admitted that he was using. He managed to blow over $3000 of his savings in those two weeks between hotels and drugs. His truck was in my name so I had him come back here with what little money he has left so that he could afford to put it in his own name. He was here for three weeks and then it was my birthday. That weekend we argued quite a bit and he needed up leaving with all of his stuff on my birthday, June 7th.

We have been in touch pretty much every day since then, we did manage to get the truck out of my name and into his, thank god. I made it my mission to get that truck out of my name. He has nowhere to stay and is actually living in the truck. I know he's using and spend what little money he had in these last two weeks on pills. He has asked me for gas money, for things here that I know he will sell, and yesterday for cigarettes. I refuse to give him anything because he needs to be responsible for himself right now. I also know that he is overdrawn on his bank account by almost $200. I have days where I think to myself that I could help him, that I could let him come sleep here in the spare room and help get him out of this mess, but then I tell myself that I shouldn't.

He's blaming me for everything saying that I'm a bitch and that I'm abusive. That I'm the reason for his relapses because I'm a bitch. I know that no matter how awful I might be sometimes that his relapses are his responsibility and his only. Although sometimes I do let it get in my head and start to feel like it is my fault. I am being strong this time, certainly stronger than I was with the last guy or that I was during his last relapse. I'm so torn between wanting him to do things for himself and feeling bad that he's living on the streets in a truck. I'm not really sleeping. How do I make myself okay with him living like that because I do care about him and love him? I know I need to take care of myself right now and not let him convince me that this is all my fault but it's so hard when someone keeps saying things like that to you.

I read on here all the time to keep myself strong but I feel like I'm going to waver sometimes. We/I have an appointment with the therapist in an hour. Of course I tried to call him half an hour ago and he's not answering the phone but I will still go because I need the strength that I will get there, which is great but he does not know what everyone here knows, what it is like to be the person in love with the addict.

Sorry for the long post and God knows there's a lot more details I could give you guys but I tried to just give you enough to give you the gist of it. Hopefully you all will have some words of wisdom to help keep me strong during this trying time.