Relapsing into all my old habits-
Hi gang,
It's me- Hobbers! I am happy/sad/glad/grateful/frustrated to be back here, so VERY glad to see you all are 1. here, and 2. (hopefully) here FOR me. I need all the prayers I can get.
So, I have been doing a 'eh' but declining job at controlling my drinking for the past ~6 months. As I like to tell myself (over and over)- "I have good weeks, and bad days, usually." I seem to have no problem having a glass of wine, or a beer or two, but... every now and then, I just say 'F it today', and go buy a bottle of something, and then tell myself "well, I'll only have half of it today...", and then I wake up, and the whole thing is gone the next morning. And I feel like crap.
Anyway, that's carried on for a while now (several months), but this past week or two has been much worse. I went to a 4-day bachelor party (with 26 HARD drinking guys, including me, and unlimited booze), which I 'oh so wisely' preceded the day before by drinking a damn bottle of rum, and now- I feel I am right back/nearly back to where I was when I started this whole journey/process in the first place a couple of years ago. Sneaking drinks, hiding, lying, refilling bottles partly with water so no one knows how much I drank... you all- I know- know the drills.
So, I am struggling again. I want to be better, but I struggle with exactly what better is. I have to tell you, MOST of the past 6 months, I have been truly enjoying having 1 or 2 drinks, and done- like a 'normie'. I honestly can't say I want to give THAT up. It's just those bad days, which seem to be becoming more frequent now, that terrify me.
AND my anxiety/GAD is getting worse (though it was getting worse when I was totally sober too) and that just compounds the issue. I drink to calm myself down about a non-drinking GAD episode, and then, I am freaking out later/the next day about the drinking. Rinse-repeat.
Anyway, I am whining now, and I will stop. My plan, if one can call it that, is to not drink today. We'll see how that goes, and see what tomorrow brings. What I really need is support, prayers, love, and some advice.
And I really want to tell you all that I am THANKFUL that you are all still here (and doing soooo much better than me- congrats!).