Feeling so emotional right now...a 27 year old woman who went to high school and played basketball with my oldest daughter was killed in a car accident Saturday night. I hadn't seen her in many years and still her death upsets me and stirs up emotions/thoughts about life and death. The way I feel and the thoughts I have came about in October 2010 when my 24 yr old step daughter died in our home of an accident drug overdose. So traumatic. I get filled with sadness and despair. I start wondering what life is all about, why do things like that happen...etc. in 2010, that's when my alcohol abuse started. I actually remember guzzling red wine when people were at the house offering their condolences. Alcohol abuse was then reinforced when my husband started going out, probably to get out of the house bc that's where she died and to connect with her friends to keep her memory alive. Anyways, going out for dinners and partying became the norm. I started staying home after a while. One night my husband went out by himself. Woke up to find the car smashed and him with no memory of how it happened. He turned himself in to the police and got arrested. It was a big embarrassing fiasco bc he was in the public eye. He toned it down a bit after that. Anyway, things were really crazy, drinking out of hand, all judgment gone out the window. Moved to a new state, problem followed. This is why I'm here. He death of this young woman makes me feel so sad. She leaves behind 2 young boys. It's so senseless. I think about her parents, family, friends and grieve for them. This type of loss makes me feel like I need to get things right with my kids, make memories with them and my husband. Life is too short. This mindset is a drinking trigger bc I say life is short, let's have fun or I say screw it, it doesn't matter you could be gone in an instant. Not right thinking by any means. Today I will not give in. I will not drink.