if you hold on to that garbage inside of you its going to make you do more crazy stupid stuff as you try and ease that pain.
I'm going to tell you simply your a good person you may have made mistakes but so what put that stuff aside.
Now put that bottle down.
Now go one living being the good person you are without these 2 things. If you cant put them both aside one or the other or both will always come back to bite you and you will struggle to be that good person that you truely are.
these self destructive cycles just fuel themselves but they do not mean thats who we really are.