RobbyRobot

I think you do "get it" John. I also though do believe you're still trying to discover how you're not responsible for your own experiences in your own life. Even when we are not at fault, we still are responsible for what happens to us internally. We still must reckon with ourselves what we are feeling and thinking about. There is no remedy for living life as best we can. We can only do our best, and when we decide our best is not good enough, we are really just harming ourselves to no good end.

You must come to a level of responsibility of ownership for being who and what your are in your own eyes. This thing you have of constantly playing the " I just don't know I just can't figure it out I just want to be loved I just want...." I too did exactly that back in my day, and my results were no better than yours. Worse in fact truth be told.

Be yourself. Be honest with being yourself. Take actions to become the better you. Take ownership for your success and for your failures. Don't give up on yourself.

When I finally decided to get the help I actually needed is the same time I finally began to live a life worth living. This way of living hasn't failed me. I have decades of success even in the face of the most unbelievable challenges.

Give yourself a break. Just own up to yourself in ways you can honestly appreciate in your own eyes John. You'll be surprised what can be done in a single day of putting rigorous honesty to work for yourself.