Hi Praying... So, your post really resonates with me. I can totally relate. My xabf also has no mean bones in his body. In fact, he is quite a kind man, and has been a positive influence in the lives of my daughters. I too found it a little difficult to relate here on SR because the majority of those posting have experienced abuses, and there are innumerous accounts of partners who steadily changed and morphed into abusive people as the disease progressed. However, as you well know, there are still heavy consequences related to active alcoholism even when there is no abuse. For instance, my step-dad... He was really a gem of a human being to know. Honestly. But, he was an alcoholic. Yes, there were many times that his behavior should have been unacceptable, such as having me as a designated driver at 16 so that he and my mom could get sloshed at the fair grounds, only to get home and be so inebriated that he couldn't get out of the car on his own; as a teenager, I should never have had to do that. But there was NEVER any abuse, nor meanness, or moodiness, or missed worked, etc.... But just a little over two years ago he passed away from cancer of the liver at 59. And now? My mom is drinking more than she has ever drank and is an alcoholic in her own sense... and she uses that tremendous grief as her excuse. Everyone that he left behind has had to struggle with this loss. Because of alcoholism.
I left my xabf with the knowledge that alcoholism is progressive and that even if it doesn't morph him into an abusive, mean, angry man, it still has the potential to kill him, or screw up his judgment behind the wheel or around the kids, or mess with his mojo when it comes to performing in the bedroom. I too have done a ton of self work over the years, and this man... my xabf, is actually a step up from the jerks I have dated over the years. I left him with the knowledge that his disease is NOT what I signed up for when I felt that he and I had found a truly loving relationship. And well, even though I love him terribly, and yes, it is soul-mate status in my mind... there are far too many serendipitous coincidences, things in common, shared values and experiences, interests in common, and the fact that our three daughters combined get along so well.... even though all of this is there, I, like you, am unwilling to sign up for a life with someone who cannot control drinking.
And as a codependent, it IS extremely difficult to know where to draw the line between what is support, and what is control. So, here is what I have done so far.....
I broke up with him. He said he wanted to get sober and have a sober life with me and our girls. I was surprised. I told him that he can't do it for me, but that if he is really ready that I am here. And then the list of excuses began. Those excuses went on for about 4 months. He is now working a program and as far as I know he has about 22 days of sobriety. Over time, I have had to block his number, block him from facebook, and learn to NOT reach out to him for my own needs. It isn't perfect. We still email. The reason for my distance is for my own emotional needs. I am taking care of myself so that I am not a mess. Most days, I am fine. I miss him like crazy! I am still truckin along with my life and goals and I have not waivered. What I figure is that whatever it is, I will take the necessary precautions to protect myself and take care of myself as time progresses and as this situation continues. I am not ready to close this door, and that IS OKAY!!!!! No-one else can set that boundary but you. I don't feel like I am wasting my time because I am actively working on things that I want in place before I get serious anyway... And, I DO believe that it is OKAY and normal... completely human and caring and empathetic and compassionate to want to be there for someone and support them. I do believe that in a healthy relationship, couples support one another. But we cannot be in unbalance relationships; codies tend to do all the "work". The longer he chose to drink over those 4 months, the more space I put between us...
What I have been concerned with is making sure that I don't lose myself... As long as I am still caring for myself and am waking up with a smile, then I know that continuing to talk with him is not a bad thing. I have no illusions about my ability to influence his drinking or his sobriety. I do encourage what he is doing. I think that in SMART recovery, that type of encouragement is suggested....?
Ultimately, you have to decide what your boundaries are through this. It will be unique to who you are and where you are at, and where he is at. None of us can predict or accurately guess if he is telling the truth about his resolve to not drink anymore, and his choice in recovery is really none of our business... If, after time, you find that his choices aren't conducive to your needs, then adjust from there. I hope the best for you!!!! And I am really sorry for the extra long reply!!!! Yikes!