Thanks so very much to each and every one of you... these messages mean more than I could have imagined years ago.
So yeah my dad's stroke leaves him in a state where he does not recognize most things and people. His doctors and nurses say it's a bit like being new to life entirely. But he is not new, it's the opposite physically.
So when I walked into his room, the nurse said that his face lit up. I then took his hand and talked to him. Very weird, I was talking without apparent response, I never did that before. But he squeezed my hand at some point. And then said "beautiful hair" in our language. Nothing else. I know that he always liked my hair, whatever color, and my mother's too. I certainly inherited it from my mom.
I am now at "home", in the house where I grew up and that is now my property to care for. I few years ago we did the whole gifting transfer contract mostly because he could not keep up with the repairs etc. But this is not my place truly, no... I don't identify with it. Perhaps because being here always brings back the problems of my childhood and adolescence...
The eating disorders stuff. I have not had an urge for like... 15 years now? But today it came back. I'm so glad I've been in therapy in over a year, I think I would not react to thoughts and feelings the way I do today otherwise. I have no urge to drink, gratefully.