Zen...I tried what Nons was talking about last weekend.....thinking if I could recognize my AV then I could choose to drink and it wasn't like was being duped ? (Or something to that effect). Anyway....I drank, felt like ****, betrayed myself, blah blah blah. It was ridiculous and I knew it then and I know it now.
We've talked enough for me to know you're not happy when you drink. What you share here, the negatives, are the bigger part of your drinking (from what I've gathered about you) than the positives. If it was something you truly enjoyed EVERY time, you wouldn't be here and you wouldn't be reading RR.
I would never push you to do something you're not totally sure about, but You know that as long as you keep the door to drinking open you are going to feel conflicted and unsettled and I would love to see you have some peace in your life, dear zen.