Nerina

I don't know where to start.. I feel scared, lost, lonely. When you start thinking that you have a drinking problem I guess it means that you probably do. Saying I'm an alcoholic seems crazy. I've always thought of alcoholics as really shabby people who's drunk almost 24/7 and their life is a real mess and all they do is drink all day. I'm not like that, but I've learned that you don't have to be like that to have a drinking problem.

I can't really remember when I started questioning my drinking habits. I feel it has slowly gotten worse. Partying has always been fun. I think I was maybe 15 the first time I got drunk. From that age to I got pregnant at 19 partying was a pretty normal thing for me. Just normal social drinking. Of course I didn't drink when I was pregnant. I had my daughter when I was 20. I can remember back when she was a baby that I might relax with a beer or two at night. Nothing that would make me think I had a problem. The earliest memory I can remember that is a sign that something was wrong is waking up one morning on the bathroom floor with my daughter standing over me asking what I was doing. Someone left a bottle of Jägermeister after a party and I drank it. I don't even like hard liquor like that, but I still drank it.. Alone. Thinking back to that, I feel disgusted with myself. I have a couple more little episodes that are red flags. Not gonna write about them all, but they all makes me realize that I have a problem.

Even though I feel things started getting out of hand years ago I think it REALLY got out of hand when I fell in love with a guy that had a serious drinking problem. I don't blame him, because I had signs even before him that I had a problem, but I guess it got even worse after I met him. Alcohol was an everyday thing mostly. Even though I managed to keep it somewhat under control. We drank lots the weekends my daughter was with her dad, but when she was around I kept it "under control". I might had a couple of beers at night, but never too much I would totally lose control. I ended things with that guy little over a year ago. Finally managed to end things for good. He wasn't a good person.

After the relationship ended I still had a couple of beers at night. And I was looking forward to the days and nights she was at her dad or somehere else so I could drink freely. That's really sad looking forward to your child being somewhere else so you can drink as much as you want to. Everytime she's away it's not just a quiet night at home with a movie or something. It's always party and alcohol and waking up hung over. I'm sick of it.

In January I met a guy. I was so happy I finally met a good guy! A nice guy with a good job and so on. But after a couple of months I slowly started realizing that YES, he's a good guy. He's nice, has a good job and so on... but he drinks too much. I think I really understood it when he opened a beer at 8 in the morning. Had four and went to sleep again at 11. I don't think there's been one day since we met that it hasn't been a day without at least a couple of beers. I promised myself from the last relationship that I wouldn't get into a relationship like that again. My ex was a mean drunk, this one is a nice drunk so it just feels like my old relationship, only without the nasty. I don't like it and I know I need to end it because I've learned that things won't get better. My ex knew he had a problem and I tried helping. My current boyfriend I don't think realizes he has a problem, so how would I help him anyway? I don't even want to because I promised myself to never ever try to help someone with that again. All I know is that I need to help myself and if I'm gonna do that I can't be with someone with the same problem as me.

I know I'm rambling now, but it feels good to finally post here. I've been reading on the forums now and then for probably two years now. I'm hoping that I can find some support on my journey. I want to stop drinking, but it also scares me thinking I will never have a beer again. How will life without be?! I'm not sure where to start, but I feel I've taken a step in the right direction posting here.