I am new to this website, but I have been reading posts/replies on here for the last week or so. I have been sober for about a month now. Recently broken up with my ex, I felt it was the only necessary thing to do, seeing that was the major reason we broke up in the first place. We were in a relationship for just about 4 years. Of course everything was great at the beginning. I have always been a heavier drinker, but when we first started dating, I was actually a "just have a couple" drinker and that made me fall even harder for him! He ended up losing a really great job and after that, is when things went downhill. His whole attitude changed, he got pretty mean and through it all, I was doing my best to be there for him and reassure him that everything would work out. THAT is when we started drinking A LOT more. He was on unemployment, so he didn't have to worry about getting up for work. Even then, our fights weren't that bad and didn't happen often. Things started to progress with the more than not often drinking and then it was like fight after fight. One night, he took it to the next level and got physical with me. I have never been so terrified in my life. I couldn't believe this was the man that I loved and now that man was literally on top of me with his hands wrapped around my neck. I managed to get him off of me and I ran out of the house and down his street and the very first thing I did was call the police. He was arrested that night and I had to go to the station to file a report, which at that time I was just so shaken up and wanted nothing more but to go home. I never ended up pressing charges. He was ordered to have no contact with me. About 3 days later, I got a text from him saying that as he was texting, he was crying his eyes out because he couldn't believe what happened and how very sorry he was. Of course, my love for him allowed me to text him back and I got the good ol' "I will never do it again, I promise", which he never did, but we ended up seeing each other, against the protection order and we pretty much fell back where we left off before the physical abuse. We were doing great for a while and then the heavy drinking/verbal abuse started right back up. I can't sit here and say I am an angel. Believe me, I've had my fair share of saying mean things and being a belligerent drunk, but I couldn't just understand how could 2 people be so deeply in love and not cut the BS with so much drinking? Time and time again, I said we are not drinking so much and then the evening would come and it was like clockwork, he would say "how about just a couple"? As an alcohol lover, I always gave in. Anyhow! I am babbling now! I quit drinking because I wanted the best of me to come out again and I am NOT anywhere near my best when I am drinking vodka nips like they are going out of style!! In a way, I am thankful for this breakup, but I miss him with all of my heart. He promised me forever, promised to grow old with me, etc. I just don't know what to do anymore. I played my last card and texted him saying I want my necklace back and he tells me he doesn't have it. UGH!! Yes, you DO have it!! I just want to say how much I love him and miss him, but my fingers just can't do it. I know a sober life together would be absolutely amazing, but I feel that this was the final straw with us and this time it was ALL me that started it. I'm definitely NOT scared to be sober with him, my thing is, I don't think he WANTS to be sober and I can't be with him when he is drinking. I guess if it's meant to be, we will be together.
Does anyone have any similar story? Anything at all for me to relate to? I can't believe I have to do this WITHOUT him, it breaks my heart even more. He's broken my heart and it's "ME" that is left alone to pick up the zillion and 10 pieces and for THAT, I resent him and I think that's why I can't say I love or miss you to him.
By the way, this is my first post, so sorry if I am all over the place. I hope to hear back from someone!!
Thank you for your time!
~S~
