(((Lance))); I am so sorry that you are struggling; I applaud you for coming here and so eloquently expressing your thoughts and emotions.
In early sobriety we accept, realize and acknowledge that we cannot safely drink alcohol and that moderation is impossible. Later, many of us reach that point in sobriety where we stop and say "What? Wait. this is FOR LIFE?!". It is then that we need to find that place within us where we accept, acknowledge and realize that "For Life" is the beauty and fulfillment of the Recovery process.
I am so glad that you are taking on more sobriety work. sobriety is too precious to slip through your fingers.