Reality check
I'm coming down from the clouds. At 6+ months I'm going through a reality check. I've been a really proud guy. I'm different, I'm unique, I got this, I know better. Bad memories of drinking and those struggles in the early days of sobriety are fading. I did some difficult sobriety work, but I'm not sure I've really accepted my addictions. I think somewhere deep down inside I've felt like maybe I just had some bad habits that were on the way to becoming a problem, so stopping was more of a preventative measure to avoid a REAL problem.
The urge to use has been building over some time. Unlike drinking urges that come on suddenly and are short-lived, the urge to use comes on slowly over days and weeks and is like a slow itch that needs to be scratched. Over the weekend I mentally gave in to using as not only an inevitability but something to be planned. My first course of action was to hide in the bathroom with my laptop while I did some planning around behaviours that go along with my addictions.
Then it hit me. This massive wave of anxiety that was near panic. And then I saw it more clearly than I ever have. The hiding while mentally planning activities that could be illegal, harmful and self-destructive. And in spite of the anxiety and almost panic that underlying obsession - that burning, craving desire overriding any sense of decency or good judgment - a "devil may care" - I need - I want. A 40 year old married guy indulging in something that in no scenario EVER would be compatible with a loving, committed relationship; a successful career; a solid sense of self-esteem and my own personal safety and good health.
I'm really humbled today. If there ever was a question about my addiction, it came roaring to light this weekend. I'm an alcoholic; I'm an addict. That's part of the brokenness that I carry. I really can't do this on my own. It's not going to be enough to have self-confidence and use slogans and positive self-affirmations. I will need support for the rest of my life, whether formal or informal.
I want to participate in SR and stay active, but I don't really know how to do that. I often am amazed at the words of wisdom and encouragement that others give. Some of you know just the right things to say at the right times. I read a lot but have stopped participating as actively because I am an introvert, and anything I want to share seems self-centered because I draw so deeply on my own feelings and experiences.
I've met with my sponsor and we are lighting the fire under my sobriety work. I've actively gone back into Step 8 of the AA program. I'm struggling because I'm not really willing to make some of the amends I probably should make. I don't really go to AA meetings, but I have committed to my sponsor to go to a meeting tonight. I really don't want to go. I really hope I find the strength and fortitude to go anyway. I need the support of you all too.
I think that's all I have for now. Thanks for listening.