Hello all
been some months since I have posted and whilst there have been positives there all also negatives
I stopped going to AA meetings local to me because no offence to those of you who find aa a real help the group I went to were all morbid , it was all doom and gloom even though many had been sober for years, I often found myself so gloomy after the meetings and wanting a drink more so that 9times out of ten I would drink, totally nonsensical madness so I stopped in January and noticed a vast improvement
I did bump into one person from the AA group in march who said we haven't seen you in a while I said AA isn't for me , I am coping, they simply said well your doomed you will die if you don't come back
very bizarre I thought.....
I joined a local competing swimming club in January also as I used to be a good swimmer and done various gala events and I am loving the swimming and improving all the time, I train three times a week
there is just one evil gremlin lurking in the corners of my life and mind
you see I have BPD BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER and chronic depression which I am on heavy medication for, I am starting a bpd support group on Tuesday 2nd june for three months which I am hoping will help as its a group based cbt therapy
I have been binging hard on lager and cider though every 2-3 weeks for a day and then having a break when I eat well, fresh fruit and veg, limited processed foods and exercise every day but I still cant beat the blooming drink demons my last binge was Thursday the 28th and I don't know why I had chatted to my maternal mother (I grew up in care ) and she is always negative and noticed this morning that my belly has grown back which I hate its kind of round and jelly like and its awful but what I can expect from lager and cider really ?
Vanity aside I need to break this awful cycle of binge then dry , binge then dry, I would say I am an alcoholic but the more the drink becomes normal the more I get a taste for it I know if I kick the habit then my belly will shrink , but I guess a bit of visceral flab is the least of my worries at present .........
I often think what came first the alcohol or the bpd, it does seems they play a sick game of cat and mouse with one another which the lager demon seems to win , I haven't drank spirits in over three years as I used to self harm and have many serious psychosis on the stuff
anyway I am glad to be back and hope day by day I can get well
kisses charlotte united kingdom xxxxx
